- HEY, MARY LYNN, I'M EXCITED YOU'RE DOING MY SHOW.
- I'M SO EXCITED TOO. I CAN'T WAIT--
- I CAN'T WAIT TO INTERRUPT YOU.
- WAIT, WHAT?
- HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO THEBENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE TWO COMEDIANS DO THE JOB OF ONE... COMEDIAN.
I'LL BRING OUT ONE OF MY COMEDY FRIENDS,
WHO WILL TELL A JOKE, LIKE, "IN THE RECENT ELECTION,
"I MEANT TO VOTE FOR PROP 19,
BUT I THINK I MIGHT HAVE VOTED FOR MAMBO NO. 5 INSTEAD."
AND THEN I'LL BE SITTING OVER THERE IN THAT CHAIR,
AND I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
"BECAUSE YOU NEEDED A LITTLE MARIJUANICA IN YOUR LIFE?"
OKAY, ARE YOU READY TO START THE INTERRUPTION?
YOU MAY RECOGNIZE THIS COMEDIAN
FROM THE SHOW DELOCATED ON ADULT SWIM.
AND HE'S ONE OF THE STARS OF THE UPCOMING ANIMATED SERIES
BOB'S BURGERS ON FOX.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND EUGENE MIRMAN!
- HELLO.
I WAS IN DELAWARE-- DON'T BOTHER.
UM... AND I WAS-- - WAIT A SECOND.
WHAT IF SOMEONE'S WATCHING IN DELAWARE?
- THEY AGREE.
I WAS DRIVING BACK TO NEW YORK FROM DELAWARE,
AND I SAW A BILLBOARD, AND IT WAS A GIANT--
IT WAS A REGULAR-SIZE BILLBOARD--
IT WASN'T A GIANT--
IT WASN'T, LIKE, TWICE THE SIZE OF--
IT WAS A NORMAL, BUT BIG, IN MY OPINION.
AND IT SAID-- IT JUST SAID ON IT,
"ABORTION HURTS."
AND THEN IT HAD A DRAWING OF A BUTTERFLY.
I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT'S FOR.
LIKE, IS SOME GIRL GONNA SEE THAT AND BE, LIKE,
"I WAS GONNA GET AN ABORTION,
"BUT NOW THAT I REALIZE IT HURTS,
"I GUESS I'LL JUST GIVE BIRTH TO A CHILD.
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT'S PAINLESS."
- MAYBE...
MAYBE IT'S A REFERENCE TO THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT,
AND THAT IF YOU DON'T HAVE A BABY,
THAT BABY COULD HAVE BEEN PRESIDENT
AND SOLVED ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS.
SO DON'T NOT HAVE THAT BABY.
THAT COULD BE AN IMPORTANT BABY YOU'RE NOT HAVING.
- THAT EASILY COULD BE THE LOGIC OF THE BILLBOARD.
I CERTAINLY DON'T HAVE A BETTER EXPLANATION.
- I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY'D DRAG
A ASHTON KUTCHER MOVIE INTO THE SITUATION,
BUT...
- IT WAS A PICTURE OF ASHTON KUTCHER FROWNING.
BEING, LIKE, "ABORTION HURTS."
- ASHTON KUTCHER DOESN'T LIKE ABORTIONS.
- YEAH.
- HE'S ALL SEXY-LOOKING.
- YEAH. WHAT IF HE WAS ABORTED?
AND THEN PEOPLE WOULD BE, LIKE, "THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE."
'CAUSE WE WOULDN'T HAVE PUNK'D.
- MY GOD, CAN YOU IMAGINE A WORLD WITHOUT PUNK'D?
I CAN'T IMAGINE IT. IT WOULD BE TERRIBLE.
- WHO WOULD PARK A CAR IN FRONT OF A PERSON
WHO'S, YOU KNOW, MARIAH CAREY?
ANYWAY... AND HAVE HER BE, LIKE, "MEH!"
THAT'S HOW SHE GETS MAD. ANYWAY...
- THAT'D BE FUNNY IF MARIAH CAREY'S PREGNANCY
WAS A PUNK'D.
LIKE, THEY WALK IN AND GO, "YOU'RE NOT REALLY PREGNANT.
WE JUST PUT A PILLOW IN YOU."
- UM, I DID A SHOW IN A SMALL TOWN IN PENNSYLVANIA
AT A COLLEGE, AND AFTERWARDS, MY FRIEND AND I,
WE WENT TO A CASINO THERE.
AND WE MUST HAVE-- WE LEFT AT, LIKE,
PROBABLY LIKE 3:00 IN THE MORNING,
AND IT WAS VERY HARD TO CATCH A CAB.
AND WE WERE WAITING FOR, LIKE, A HALF HOUR AND CALLING,
AND FINALLY THIS CAB CAME.
AND THEN THESE TWO OTHER GUYS WERE, LIKE,
"HEY, CAN WE COME WITH YOU? WE CAN'T GET A CAB."
AND SO WE LET THEM JOIN US.
AND THEN, AS WE WERE DRIVING, THE FIRST THING THEY SAID IS,
"LET'S GO TO CAMPUS AND GET SOME GRUB AND BABES."
THAT'S HOW WE KNEW WE MET SOME CLASSY FOLKS.
BUT I SAID--
BECAUSE THEY WERE FROM AROUND THERE,
I WAS, LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU KNOW OF ANY PLACES
TO GET FOOD?"
AND THEY WERE LIKE, "AW,
THERE'S ONLY FAST FOOD RIGHT NOW."
LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY THOUGHT I WAS LOOKING FOR.
AND I WAS LIKE, ""
BUT INSTEAD OF SAYING THAT, I WAS LIKE,
"THERE'S NO BISTROS THAT ARE STILL OPEN?"
- "THERE'S NO ALL-NIGHT FIVE-STAR DINING SITUATIONS?"
- NO. AND THEN HE WAS LIKE, "NO, DUDE."
AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, IS THERE LIKE A LOCAL ORGANIC MARKET,
WHERE I COULD MAYBE GET SOME MESCLUN?"
AND THEN HE'S, LIKE, "MAN,
YOU'RE SO FAR FROM NEW YORK CITY!"
AND HE PROBABLY TOLD ALL HIS FRIENDS
HE MET A FANCY CITY KID THAT DIDN'T KNOW HOW THINGS WORKED.
WELL, HE'S REALLY A DUMB
WHO'S NEVER HEARD SARCASM.
- DO YOU WANT TO SAY "HE'S REALLY A DUMBASS,"
AND THEN WE WON'T HAVE TO BLEEP ANY OF IT?
- I WANTED IT BEEPED SO THAT PEOPLE WOULD THINK
I SAID.
AND NOW THE AUDIENCE AT HOME WON'T KNOW IF I SAID THAT
OR OR PHILANTHROPIST...
WHEN REALLY HE'S A DUMBASS.
- HE'S A DUMBASS "C" WORD.
- NO, I SAID "CUR." CUR...
HOW LONG BEFORE "CU" TO BE ABLE TO AIR IT ON TELEVISION?
- YEAH, I DON'T KNOW. - FU...
- THAT'S AN INTERESTING QUESTION.
WE'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT.
- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF EUGENE MIRMAN
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I'M GONNA KEEP INTERRUPTING EUGENE MIRMAN.
LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF. - YEAH, LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
- LET'S DO IT. LET'S GET OUT OUR MOBILE DEVICES.
- ALL RIGHT.
NORMALLY SUNDAY IS A DAY OF REST,
BUT EROTIC STEP UP 3D FAN FICTION
ISN'T GONNA WRITE ITSELF.
- I HAVE NOTHING TO ADD TO THAT.
HAVE YOU EVER WRITTEN A HAIKU THAT'S A TWEET?
- NO. DID YOU? - I DID.
- WOW. YEAH.
THIS IS A SPECIAL HALLOWEEN HAIKU
THAT I WROTE AROUND HALLOWEEN.
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A FEW DAYS AFTER.
WHATEVER.
DON'T MAKE SUCH A THING OUT OF IT.
IF ZOMBIES SMOKED POT...
FIVE SYLLABLES.
MAYBE THEY WOULD SKIP THE BRAINS.
SEVEN.
AND SETTLE FOR CAKE.
- NICE.
WELL, I HAVE ONE MORE TWEET.
- THAT'S THE PERFECT AMOUNT.
- I AM TWEETING FROM THE MOON.
APRIL FOOL'S. I AM GOING TO SLEEP.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, EUGENE MIRMAN.
- BYE-BYE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, DOUG.
- THIS PERFORMER HAS BEEN A GUEST
ON MY PODCAST, DOUG LOVES MOVIES,
AND HE CAN BE SEEN ON THE SHOW CHILDRENS HOSPITAL
ON "AD-ULT" SWIM.
YEAH, I CALL IT "AD-ULT" SWIM.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND ROB HUEBEL.
- HELLO.
HELLO.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
UM, I JUST FOUND A DOG, YOU GUYS.
AND I'M KEEPING HIM, BECAUSE HE IS AMAZING,
AND I DON'T CARE IF HE WAS YOURS AND YOU LOST HIM.
YOU SCREWED UP, AND HE'S MINE.
IF HE IS A GUIDE DOG
AND YOU ARE A BLIND PERSON,
SCREW YOURSELF.
I'M KEEPING HIM. HE IS AWESOME.
HE'S A GERMAN SHEPHERD.
AND HE'S, LIKE, SO INTENSE.
LIKE, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GERMAN SHEPHERDS.
- ROB HUEBEL. SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT...
DID YOUR DOG-- DOES IT HAVE A--
DOES IT HAVE ONE OF THOSE HANDLES
THAT A BLIND PERSON-- LIKE, WHY WOULD YOU NOT BE SURE
IF IT BELONGED TO A BLIND PERSON?
- IT DOES. YES, IT HAS ONE, AND IT SAYS "GUIDE DOG."
HE HAS TAGS THAT SAY, "IF LOST, RETURN TO THIS ADDRESS."
I THREW THOSE AWAY.
I AM NOT INTERESTED IN FINDING HIS ORIGINAL OWNER.
- IT'S BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM THAT MUCH?
- I LOVE HIM THAT MUCH.
HE'S AWESOME BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT COPS USE.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, HE HAS FOUND SO MUCH COCAINE IN MY HOUSE.
IT'S AWESOME. I'M LIKE,
"WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?
"I DON'T KNOW.
WE SHOULD GIVE IT BACK."
- PLUS, YOU COULD CROSS THE STREET WITHOUT YOUR EYES OPEN.
- YES. EXACTLY.
- THAT'S A FUN EXTRA THING TO BE ABLE TO DO
WITH YOUR DOG WHEN YOU'RE OUT TAKING HIM FOR A WALK.
- I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIND A DOG WALKER FOR HIM.
SO THIS GUY COMES OVER, AND HE SEEMED, AT FIRST,
TOTALLY NORMAL.
I WAS SUPER PSYCHED.
AND SO, YOU KNOW, I HAD TO GO TO WORK,
AND I'M AT WORK, AND I GET A TEXT FROM HIM,
AND HE GOES, "HEY, BRO, I'M SO SORRY.
I ATE ALL OF YOUR JALAPENO CORNBREAD."
AND I WAS FURIOUS.
I WAS LIKE-- I TEXTED HIM BACK.
I WAS LIKE, "WELL, WE GOT A BIG PROBLEM, MAN,
"BECAUSE I DON'T OWN ANY JALAPENO CORNBREAD.
"YOU ARE IN THE WRONG HOUSE.
SO FIND WHERE I LIVE..."
- OR SOME STUFF HAS GONE REALLY BAD IN MY REFRIGERATOR.
- THAT USED TO BE JELL-O.
NOW IT'S JALAPENO CORNBREAD.
AND SO THEN THE NEXT TIME HE COMES OVER,
I WAS LIKE, ALL RIGHT, I'M REALLY GONNA CHECK THIS GUY OUT,
MAKE SURE HE'S NOT A TOTAL WEIRDO.
SO I'M KIND OF LOOKING AT HIM, AND I'M MAKING SURE
HE DOESN'T SMELL LIKE ALCOHOL
OR HE'S NOT, LIKE, BLEEDING OUT OF HIS EARS,
OR HE DOESN'T HAVE, LIKE, A NECKLACE MADE OF HUMAN FINGERS
OR ANYTHING, SO... - ALL SIGNS OF WEIRDOS.
- THOSE ARE-- YEAH, DEFINITE SIGNS OF WEIRDOS.
- THOSE ARE THE TOP THREE WARNING SIGNS
OF A WEIRDO.
- DEFINITE TOP THREE.
- BLOOD OUT OF THE EARS. - YEAH.
THAT'S A GIVEAWAY. - THAT GUY'S A WEIRDO.
- THAT'S A GIVEAWAY. - THERE'S NO LEGITIMATE EXCUSE
FOR BLOOD COMING OUT OF YOUR EARS.
- YEAH, THAT'S SOMEONE-- - UNLESS YOU JUST CAME
FROM THE MOST AMAZING CONCERT.
- YEAH. SO THIS TIME,
I GO AWAY, AND I COME BACK,
AND I TOLD HIM, I SAID, "LEAVE LIGHTS ON FOR THE DOG.
I DON'T WANT HIM TO GET SCARED IN THE DARK."
I COME HOME, THE DOG WALKER IS NOT THERE.
IT'S SILENCE OF THE LAMBS DARK IN MY HOUSE.
SUPER, DUPER DARK.
AND I'M, LIKE, FEELING AROUND.
I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S IN THE CORNER
WITH HIS NIGHT VISION GOGGLES ON
AND HIS PENIS TUCKED BACK BETWEEN HIS LEGS.
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE DEAL IS.
AND SO I TURN ON THE LIGHTS.
- PUT THE JALAPENO BREAD IN THE BASKET.
- PUT IT IN THE BASKET.
PUT THE CORNBREAD IN THE BASKET.
- WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE ROB HUEBEL
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION
WHERE I WAS JUST INTERRUPTING ROB HUEBEL.
ROBBIE. CAN WE HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
- DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
- I DO WANT TO HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
- DOES THIS AUDIENCE WANT A TWEET-OFF?
- ALL RIGHT.
- LET'S DO IT. LET'S TWEET OFF.
- ALL RIGHT. UM, HERE WE GO.
GOOD THING THEY DECIDED TO CALL THEM HONEY NUT CHEERIOS
AND NOT TEENY TINY BUTT HOLES.
- I'VE GOT HIV.
BUT DON'T WORRY,
I STILL GET TO DRAW FOUR MORE SCRABBLE TILES.
- HE SAVED IT. YOU SAVED IT.
- 'CAUSE IT STARTED OUT KIND OF OFFENSIVE.
- POSSIBLY THE ONLY...
FUNNY... HIV JOKE.
THE MALE WOLF SPRAYS A TINY AMOUNT OF URINE
EVERY TIME HE SEES A FEMALE WOLF.
AND THEY DON'T MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ROB HUEBEL!
- THANK YOU. - THAT WAS AWESOME.
YOU KNOW THIS ACTOR-COMEDIAN
AS CHLOE FROM 24
AND FROM HER GUEST APPEARANCE ON ABC'S MODERN FAMILY.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND MARY LYNN RAJSKUB.
- THANKS FOR THAT VERY NATURAL INTRO.
DOUG, HI. HOW ARE YOU?
I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT A PERSONAL STORY
FROM MY LIFE.
- OKAY. WELL, JUST TELL THEM AND...
- NEVER MIND. YOU'RE NOT THERE.
YOU'RE DEAD TO ME. TOO--TOO FAR?
- I'VE GOT A GREAT STORY TO TELL YOU GUYS.
YOU.
- THAT WAS MY NATURAL SEGUE.
SO MY DREAM JOB WAS TO BE A WAITRESS
AT THE HARD ROCK CAFE.
- SWEET GIG.
LATER IN LIFE WHEN I FIRST MOVED TO LOS ANGELES,
I WAS ABLE TO MAKE THAT DREAM COME TRUE,
BY GETTING A JOB AT THE HARD ROCK CAFE
IN WEST HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA.
THEY WANTED US TO GO TO THE TABLE AND SAY,
"HEY, TRY THE HARD ROCK AND ROLL CHILI
"'CAUSE IT'S MADE WITH BEEF, AND PORK,
"AND SPICES, AND A LITTLE BIT OF ROCK AND ROLL
PUT RIGHT IN THE CHILI."
BUT THE STRAW THAT REALLY BROKE IT FOR ME
WAS THE DAY I WAITED ON, UM, JOHN CORBETT.
TV'S HUNKY, JOHN...
- YEAH, HE'S FROM, SEX AND THE CITY.
- UNITED STATES OF TARA. - AIDAN. AIDAN.
- AIDAN. - YEAH.
- BACK IN MY DAY,
HE WAS THE HOT DJ FROM NORTHERN EXPOSURE.
- NORTHERN EXPOSURE. YEAH.
SO HE COMES INTO...
- THANK YOU, PUSHING-ALMOST-40-YEAR-OLD
OUT IN THE AUDIENCE.
WHAT'S UP?
UM... - SO HE COMES INTO--
THIS IS WAY BEFORE HE STARTED DATING BO DEREK.
- SO BEFORE. HE WAS DATING, LIKE, A SKELETON
THAT WAS IN THE BOOTH ACROSS FROM HIM.
AND SO I WAS TERRIFIED FOR MANY REASONS.
ONE, JUST 'CAUSE HE WAS HOT AND HE WAS ON TV.
AND THEN THAT GIRL, I WAS, LIKE, "GOD,
"IF I BREATHE TOO HARD, SHE MIGHT FALL TO DUST.
AND PLUS I'VE GOT TO SAY THIS CHILI THING."
AND I JUST--SO MUCH GOING ON IN MY MIND.
SO I WENT UP AND I WAS, LIKE, "CAN I TAKE YOUR DRINK ORDER?"
AND HE LOOKED AT ME AND HE WAS, LIKE,
"DO YOU HAVE DOWN SYNDROME?"
- IN HIS DEFENSE...
SOMETHING TELLS ME YOU DIDN'T JUST GO
"CAN I TAKE YOUR DRINK ORDER?"
- WELL, I MAY HAVE BEEN FROWNING SO DEEPLY FROM THE INSIDE,
BUT TRYING TO PASTE A SMILE ON IT.
AND I WAS JUST, LIKE--
- SEE, THAT DOES LOOK LIKE YOU MIGHT HAVE DOWN SYNDROME.
- AAH! SO...
- WELL, I HOPE HE WATCHES THIS SHOW AND FEELS BAD
ABOUT WHAT HE DID.
- I DON'T WANT HIM TO FEEL BAD.
I JUST...
- 'CAUSE WHO THAT DOES HAVE DOWN SYNDROME
WOULD YOU SAY TO THEM,
"SO DO YOU HAVE DOWN SYNDROME?"
LIKE, WOULDN'T YOU JUST LOOK AT--LOOK AND GO,
"I BET--I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON THERE
AND THERE'S NO REASON FOR ME TO DISCUSS IT WITH THEM"?
"I'M NOT A DOCTOR.
I DON'T NEED TO DIAGNOSE THE PERSON RIGHT HERE."
- THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR INTERRUPTING ME
BECAUSE IT'S NOT A DISCUSSION THAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN.
- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE MARY LYNN RAJSKUB
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION
WITH MARY LYNN RAJSKUB IN PROGRESS.
- HEY, DOUG, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GET TO INTERRUPT EVERYBODY?
WHY DON'T YOU GET UP ONSTAGE AND TELL A STORY
AND LET SOMEBODY ELSE DO THE INTERRUPTING?
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY IT. YOU WANT TO INTERRUPT ME?
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DOUG BENSON ONSTAGE.
- LET'S SWITCH. YOU SIT THERE.
I'LL COME OVER HERE...
- THIS SEAT IS HOT.
IT REALLY IS QUITE WARM.
I GOT IT.
- SO THIS IS A REVERSE INTERRUPTION.
I WILL DO MY ACT, AND YOU'LL INTERRUPT ME.
YOU DO--YOU DO DUMB THINGS WHEN YOU'RE HIGH.
LIKE... YEAH. - YEAH!
- IT'S INEVITABLE, LIKE... HAVE YOU EVER DONE THIS?
YOU'RE LIKE WAITING FOR AN ELEVATOR,
WAITING FOR AN ELEVATOR, WAITING FOR AN ELEVATOR.
YOU SPEND, LIKE, YOU KNOW, TEN MINUTES WAITING FOR AN ELEVATOR.
AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE," MAYBE I'LL PUSH THIS BUTTON..."
- 'CAUSE YOU WERE SO HIGH. I GET IT.
- YEAH, A LOT OF ELEVATORS--
- VERY... - A LOT OF ELEVATORS--
- VERY GOOD JOKE, DOUG. VERY GOOD JOKE.
- A LOT OF ELEVATORS WORK ON INSTINCT,
BUT THIS ONE...
THIS ONE NEEDS TO BE SUMMONED.
IT'S ALL, "...
"YOU GOTTA SUMMON ME.
I'M THE CHLOE O'BRIAN OF ELEVATORS."
- PULL IN ON IT. FROWN IT OUT.
- ...BUT MARIJUANA DOES HELP ME TO APPRECIATE
THINGS, YOU KNOW, IN LIFE, LITTLE THINGS LIKE...
- YEAH. LIKE...
LIKE I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.
RECENTLY, I WENT INTO A 7-ELEVEN.
NEVER FORGET.
AND...
I...
PURCHASED-- PURCHASED A COUPLE OF ITEMS.
I GOT A-- IF YOU MUST KNOW,
IT WAS A CAN OF VANILLA FROSTING AND A BAG OF COOKIES.
YEAH. I HAD A BIG DAY OF DIPPIN' AHEAD.
AND THE... THE NICE INDIAN LADY
BEHIND THE COUNTER, SHE RINGS UP MY ITEMS,
AND THEN SHE LOOKS AT ME AND SHE'S LIKE,
"YOU LIKE BAG?"
YEAH, SHE JUST SAID THAT. YOU LIKE BAG?
AND I WAS LIKE,
"ME LOVE BAG."
ME LOVE BAG LONG TIME.
ARE YOU JUST GONNA SIT THERE AND NOT SAY ANYTHING?
- I FEEL RUDE INTERRUPTING.
I THINK IT'S RUDE. I THINK IT'S REALLY RUDE.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MARY LYNN RAJSKUB!
CHECK YOURSELF FOR LUMPS! GOOD NIGHT!